If Only
by xMISSxKILLERx
Summary: Bella Swan, famous author. Edward Cullen, successful doctor. One night changed it all for Bella and Edward, but why did Edward only just figure out that he had two kids? Will Bella ever figure out why Edward was so harsh that night or will certain disasters tear them apart before they can ever get the answers they desire and ultimately each other? Lemons/AH/AU/OOC/Canon pairings


**Uhh hi ya! This would be my first story for this site and I'd love to know what you all think about it.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't Twilight.**

**Chapter 1: Homecoming**

**BELLA**

"Ayden Anthony! Rebecca Renee! Come down here and eat your breakfast." The sound of little feet thumping down the stairs was my answer. They slid into their seats just as I was slipping the eggs and bacon onto the plates and started eating immediately. It's amazing that its been five years.

I looked to my daughter and watched as she cut up her eggs meticulously before breaking her bacon into tiny little pieces and sprinkling it over her cut up eggs, only just to mix it all up. Her sparkling green eyes and bronze colored hair were all huge signs to who her father is. Although her personality was closer to mine than his. She was reserved and observant.

My son had my chestnut colored hair and big brown eyes, but that's where it ends. He is the carbon copy of his father. Underneath the baby fat I could see Edward in the strong angular jaw, the shape of his eyes and the swoop of his nose. That was all his father. Then there was his tendency of always getting into things he shouldn't and his temper. Oh my! What a temper. I've been looking into enrolling him into boxing or maybe a little league. Something to tire him out or at least channel his anger because if I remember correctly it got his father into all kinds of trouble. Ayden was more of a 'act first and ask questions' sort of person.

I began eating my own breakfast when my phone vibrated notifying me of a text.

**U better giv my favorite niece and nephew a good luck kiss. -Jas**

I kissed them both notifying that Uncle Jasper said they needed good luck kisses. They gave me their small little smiles and went back to eating.

**They said 'ewwwww' lol. -B**

Not even a second later did my phone vibrate.

**Liar. They luv kisses. Besides u cnt lie 2 a psychiatrist, even thru txt -Jas**

"Momma, will you put my hair into a ponytail?" The soft voice of my daughter pulled me from conversation from Jasper; Becca had already finished eating and was waiting patiently for my answer.

"Of course, my little Mocking bird. Come over here." I grabbed the brush and hair ties and began brushing out her wavy hair., looking over to my son I sighed. Egg was smeared all over his face. I let my eyes travel up to his crazy hair, thinking that it was as good as it was going to get.

"Ayden, go wash your face and hands." He ran to the small bathroom.

"And run some water through your hair." Finishing Becca's hair I turned her so she was facing me.

"You look absolutely beautiful. Are you excited?" She nodded, excitedly.

**~oOo~**

"Alright, I'll be right here when the school bell rings okay?" They both nodded slowly. Becca grabbed Ayden's hand and looked up at me with that scared but determined face.

"There is absolutely no reason to worry. You have each other and you've already met your teacher. Mr. Hunts. You liked him remember?" Again they nodded. Their wide eyes taking in everything.

"You promise you'll be here when we get out?" Becca asks timidly. Ayden through his arm over shoulders and puffed out his chest. Giving him the look of a cute puppy bulldog.

"Of course. I'll be in this exact spot. Kay? Now promise me you both will have fun because when you get home I want a to know what happened exactly, Kay?" They smiled brightly before tackling me into a hug and kissing my cheek. The they were off with their class. I waited until they were in the gates before I made my back to my car.

_I can't believe that they're already in school. Five years. It's been five years. _

I shook my head and pulled out and headed to the grocery store. The one and only here in Forks. I grabbed a cart and made my way inside. I can't believe I've come back here, but then again could I do? I didn't want the kids to grow up in Chicago so I brought them here. The Chief's daughter had returned and nobody knew why. Only that I was four months pregnant and with no man. So now instead of the Chief's daughter good doer the famous author I am now the Chief's daughter, the charity case.

It was sad really because it was partly true. I ran from the one person I thought could understand me and would always be there for me. However, he showed his true feelings the night we slept together. How can you say you love someone and shoot that 'loved' one down. I just don't understand. Well, he could just go fuck himself. A ringing broke me out of my thoughts.

"Hello."

"_Don't hello me. Tell me how their first day went."_ My friend Rose was all demanding and blunt but she had a heart of gold and was fiercely loyal. She helped pick up the pieces of my life and heart that Edward destroyed.

"Well I'm fine thank you for asking Rose." I answered sarcastically.

"_I'm sorry I just want to know if it as awesome as I imagined it." _She answered a bit sadly.

"They did great. Ayden was all kinds of protective of Becca."

"_I wish I was there. I get off at the end of the month. So you should be expecting me."_

"You own your own firm. How do you not have all the days off in the world?" I asked for the hundredth time. Her throaty chuckle was reply enough.

"_I love work and if wasn't for you and the kids I wouldn't take a day off ever." _I nodded as I put eggs and cheese into the basket. I could hear someone saying something about a case and my friends resulting curse. I chuckled.

"_That is why I am a workaholic. Idiots would run this firm to the ground. I've got to go Bells, but hug those kids for me. Love you, Bye."_

"Bye." I hung up and trolled through the supermarket, getting lost in my thoughts again.

I may not regret the twins but I do regret ever telling there father anything and everything about myself. I told him my hope, my dreams; my fears and he used it to fuck me and afterward to break my heart. I regret falling for someone who was fake. I may have known him when we were kids but it's obvious that he was not -and probably still- is not the same little boy I used to know.

"Bella?" I turn to the voice and see Jessica Stanley. The leader of all town gossip.

"Yes?" I asked stupidly. I mean we've never really talked so I couldn't figure out why in the hell that she was now in my face.

"Are you going to the town meeting tomorrow night? I was just wondering because afterward is a potluck dance thing and I was wondering if maybe you'd be coming." That little light bulb pinged inside of my head as I realized what she was getting at.

"Of course I will be at the town meeting but the potluck dance thing is so not my cup of tea. Besides I have two kids who need to be in bead at nine." And with that I left her. Who the fuck cares if I'm going to the dance? Jesus. Gossip mongering bitch. God! This whole town is full of _Jessicas_. I rolled my cart to the cashier and waited for my turn.

I bet she'd lose her shit if she knew that none other than Edward Cullen is the father of my children. I'd bet she'd shit a brick. I mean it really doesn't matter because he couldn't give a shit about me but still I'm sure he wouldn't touch her with a ten inch pole.

"That will be $146.97." The cashier sneered at me. Ah, Lauren Mallory. The town whore. I chuckled as I thought about her mix up back in high school. Giving fifteen hundred dollars to a con artist. Oops I mean a photographer. The guy took the money and ran. On top of all that she had a three thousand dollar haircut to 'better' her 'pictures'. I just chuckled an handed her the money ignoring the sneer.

"Bye Lauren." I sang as I headed out. Call me juvenile but I really can't stand her. Hmm. I should probably stop by the drug store and get some cough syrup. I heard Ayden coughing last night and I just want to be prepared. My phone vibrated notifying me of a text.

**Get ur ass to the Diner. You're late :( -Em**

Shit! I looked at the time and realized that it was 10:30. I usually meet him at ten everyday for breakfast.

**Shit! Sorry got distracted grocery shopping. Let me drop the groceries at the house & I'll be there. Forgive me? Please. -B**

I smiled knowing that he could practically see my puppy dog eyes.

**Fine. You're forgiven. Brat :p -Em**

**~oOo~**

"It took you long enough." A voice boomed. I chuckled and searched out our usual booth. He was standing as I made my way over. Looming over me at a whopping 6"5, Emmett McCarty could be intimidating. Especially with all the muscle packed on top of that but it was the dimples and kind blue eyes that made him look more like a teddy bear instead of a grizzly. His curly dark brown hair just proved my point more.

"Well, sorry I had to go shopping. You know I do need food. You should understand this since you eat like a grizzly preparing for winter." I plopped on the bench in front of him. He just chuckled.

"You have to eat a lot to keep up with this sexiness." He gestured towards himself. I looked at him confused.

"What sexiness?"

"Shut up. You know that I am undeniably hot. Don't be jealous. Just appreciate that you can bask in my essence."

"Oh is that what that is. I thought it was B.O." I quipped.

"You wound me fair Bella." He then proceeded to wipe the imaginary tears from his eyes. I just chuckled at his theatrics. Just then Angela came over with a smile.

"What can I get my favorite customers today?" Angela Weber-Cheney owned the Fork's Diner along with her husband Ben. They've been together since our Junior year and never parted. She was one of the few I counted as my friend.

"The usual for me, Ang." I answered handing her my menu.

"Same here, beautiful." Em winked at her. Her face erupted into a blush. She took his menu and hurried off.

"Emmett, you should really use that with care." I chided. Poor Angela was easily flustered. Emmett just laughed and nodded, not in the 'I will' way but the 'whatever you say' way. Rolling my eyes I gaze out the window. Rain was pouring down outside. Just one day of sunshine. I mean it is August.

"How were my niece and nephew with their first day of school?" I chuckled because in all reality the kids loved their Uncle Emmett. He was just as big of a kid as they were.

"Nervous but determined. You should have seen my little man. He had his chest all puffed out because Becca was a bit scared." I chuckled and he grinned widely.

"Yeah, he was always beating the shit out of kids who even thought about picking on her." I nodded. The silence was comfortable as I took a sip of my orange juice.

"He's moving back."

I froze. Trying to figure out what he was saying. Even though deep down I knew. I knew who he was talking about but I couldn't think about it, not with the possibility that I could be wrong.

"Who?" I whispered unable to bring the level of my voice up. My vision went blurry as I looked at my best friend. His face which usually is so happy and care-free was now solemn and serious.

"You know who." And I did. I knew that Edward Cullen the father of my children was moving back. What was I going to do? What if he finds out about my babies? The edges of my vision went black and I started to feel light headed. Em slid in next to me.

"You need to breathe Bella or you're going to pass out." I listened to him. I calmed my breathing and counted backwards from ten. I concentrated on the feeling of my best friend's arms around me.

"How do you know?" I whispered against his chest. His arms tightened around me.

"You know his parents still live here, Bella. It was bound to happen sooner or later." He whispered softly. He was rubbing soothing circles into my back.

He couldn't be coming here. This was my safe place, my haven. The place where my children were going to grow up, where my few friends were and now I have to leave. I have to get away and protect my children.

"Bella, you are not going anywhere. Do you understand me? If I have to chain us together I will." I let out a watery laugh at the vision he created.

"I would be really uncomfortable when you would have to chuck a deuce. You being left handed my being right. One us would have the shitty end of the deal either way. Pun intended" He chuckled and wiped the tears out of my eyes.

"You're strong Bella. Don't let him rule your decisions anymore." I nodded.

"I'm just going to go home, Em. I have a deadline." I'm sure that the smile I attempted looked more like a grimace. He gave me a small sad smile and walked me out to my car.

"I'm always here for you, B."

"I know."

**~oOo~**

_I kissed his cheek, but before I could pull back he grabbed the back of my head and brought our lips together. I could feel the shock his lips sent mine. I could feel the fire that followed his wandering hands. I couldn't believe that Edward Cullen was kissing me. I fell back into my apartment._

_The feeling of his tongue quarreling with mine, was the only thing I could concentrate on. That and the slight taste of the brandy that he had with dinner. He pushed me against the door and I could feel his hot hands running over my sides and resting at my breasts. My hands just tightened in his soft hair. God I love his hair!_

_All the sudden my legs were wrapped around him and he was headed towards my bedroom. His large hands cupping my ass, tightly. I could feel our hearts thumping together, with how tight he held me me. His mouth molded against my own._

_The room was quiet except for our heavy breathing and the wet sounds our lips were making. He plopped me on the bed and settled between my legs and resumed kissing my lips, neck and chest. I felt his hand slide underneath my shirt and travel over my flat stomach and up to my breast._

_Taking his lead I let my hands explore his muscled back and shoulders. When I reached the edge of his shirt I had a second of confidence and ripped it off of him. His lips only separated from mine for the second it took to take off his shirt._

_I ran my fingernails over his smooth back and was rewarded with a grunt of pleasure. I could feel his erection pressing into me. My body took over then and began grinding against him. Just as I was getting really worked up; he pulled back. His usually bright green eyes were hooded with dark pleasure._

"_Are you sure, Bella?" His voice was so rough and filled with pleasure that I could feel my panties disintegrate. I just gave him a jerky nod, unable to use my voice lest I squeak like a mouse. If it was possible his eyes darkened more and he began attacking my neck with more fervor, if such a thing was possible._

_In an instant my shirt and bra were off and on the floor. He was working his belt. I decided to help him by taking off my shorts and panties. When I finished he was already naked and standing to attention._

_Edward Cullen was a beautiful specimen of man. His glorious chest was speckled with bronze colored hair. His eight pack was solid and well defined, a perfect arrow pointing to his long and thick cock. Nestling that beautiful manhood was a pair of powerful thighs leading down to sexy and well-defined calves. I looked at his feet and felt incredulity take hold._

_My God even his feet are sexy. Feeling his intense stare I met his hungry gaze. I suddenly felt like prey._

"_You're beautiful, Bella." He stalked towards me. His intent clear in eyes. Grabbing me tightly, he carried me to the bed and laid me down all the while letting his hands travel all over my body. I moaned as his barely-there-touch stroked my nipples._

"_Are you wet for me, my love?" He whispered seductively in my ear. His finger traveled down my stomach to the apex of my thighs. I nodded as he dipped a finger in me and thumbed my clit._

"_Yesss." I hissed like a fucking snake as he began to pump his fingers into me vigorously. The coiling in my stomach got tighter and tighter._

"_You're so tight." He grunted into my mouth as I let go. My whole body clenched around his fingers with my release. Just as fast as my orgasm came it went. That's when I felt him at my entrance. His long corded muscles stood out as he held himself above me. I could see the question in his eyes, but I'm sure mine answered his, because he slid himself into me._

"_OH GOD!" We both yelled. I felt like I should fall to my knees and pray. Him being inside of me felt like an religious experience, almost. He gave me a second to adjust to his size. Never have I felt so full. Never have I felt so much pleasure, then he began to move and I thought my body would come undone._

_Chanting please over and over only spurred him to move faster. He nuzzled my breasts as he pounded into me. I could get used to feeling of this. To the feeling of the gentle, yet at the same time firm touches. To the breathless words of love. To the promises of a future together._

_Just thinking of having him forever made my whole body clench with the pleasure and then I fell into the abyss of pleasure that was waiting for me. My back arched off of the bed and a silent scream was all that could pass my lips. I felt and heard as he finished. _

_His head rested between my breasts as we both tried to catch our breath._

_When he raised his head I gasped at the soft look he was giving me. I gave him a small shy smile. He kissed me gently before pulling out of me and pulled away. When I looked back at him he was glaring at me with a intensity that made me shrink back away from me. He got up and began to gather his clothes._

"_Edward?" I felt as if my voice left me half through his name. What was wrong? Did he not like it? I know I'm not as beautiful as some of his ex-girlfriends, but I wasn't ugly. I tried to remember if at anytime he voiced or showed displeasure. I looked back to his figure, his back faced me. I got up and touched him._

_He flinched away from me. His whole body tensed._

"_Get away from me." He whispered roughly._

"_Edward, what I do-" _

"_I said get away from me, don't touch me." He looked back at me and it was my turn to flinch away, again. Hate. Hate and Disgust was the only thing I saw in them._

"_And put on some clothes." He sneered as he zipped up his pants. I shook my head unable to comprehend why he was doing this._

"_I don't understand. I thought it was great. Did you not like it? Did I do something to make you this mad?" I asked, afraid of his answer. He just chuckled darkly._

"_Did I like it? No. It's kind of hard to fuck a corpse. Did you do something wrong? Yeah you followed me out here to Chicago like a fucking puppy. I though that just maybe you'd be a good fuck, but clearly I was wrong. You obviously don't have the gene. Not like your mother obviously." And with that last sentence he obliterated what was left of my heart. _

_My mother died of cancer when I was seven and it was well-known around town that she wasn't as faithful in her relationship. He knew my fear of ever becoming like her. However, he did worse than just insult me. He insulted me using my mother. He slipped on his shirt and headed towards the door. I was stuck to the spot he left me but I could see his back as he stopped at the door._

"_And don't try to contact me. I don't care if you are dying, I don't ever want to hear your voice again." And with that he was gone._

I woke up in a cold sweat. I rolled out of bed and glanced at the clock. 3:46 am. You've got to be kidding me. I haven't had that nightmare in years. I thought about the possibility of leaving and knew that I wouldn't.

My children deserved to have a family. Even the small family we had. They had a Grandpa Charlie who would die for them. Two uncles who would do anything for them. And a crazy Auntie Rose who would move heaven and Earth for them.

Edward Cullen can just fuck off. I am not uprooting my kids because some douche bag from the past is coming back. Albeit he is the father of my children, but I will not let Edward Cullen catch my heart ever again.

**EDWARD**

"Edward, I've missed you!" My mother, Esme Cullen threw her arms around me. Her head barely reached the center of my chest. She was beautiful as ever. Her long caramel colored hair hung at her waist in all it's wavy glory. Her warm brown eyes crinkled with love. She smiled through her tears, right before she smacked me on the back of the head.

"Ow! Ma!" I yelled, holding the back of my head.

"That's for not calling me and for not visiting." I heard a chuckle from behind me. I turned to see my father. He had aged well. His blonde hair had gray speckled here and there and he had laughing lines around his mouth and eyes; just like my mother. His warm blue eyes shined with love and joy.

Just like that, I realized that I missed my father. I missed his advice and guidance and I wasn't going to let this opportunity pass me by again. I regret going so far away to go to school and this wouldn't be the first time I've had that thought. First, with the red headed bitch and then the brunette Goddess I destroyed.

"Be lucky she didn't run you over at the airport. She wanted too. Her justification was that you could at least stitch yourself." I felt myself preen at the pride in his voice.

_This was the right decision._

My inner voice whispered and I couldn't help but agree with it. I couldn't stay away. For some reason I've felt a pull dragging me here. Like some magnet forcing me to move back home. I thought it was my parents but I still felt it. Maybe the hospital.

"Well let's get you settled in. When are the movers going to be here." My mother asked as she walked up the stairs. My childhood room was at the very end of the hallway. It was a straight shot from the stairs to my door.

Sneaking out was a bitch when I was kid because my parents' room was two doors down and the creaky ass floor board was right in front of their door. I know they did that shit on purpose because not only does my mother have bionic hearing, my father is a handy man around the house. I swear he tightened and loosened different ones every time because I never knew which one would creak loudly.

My old room looked exactly the same. The blue and yellow plaid comforter and curtains still adorned my old room just like the old poster of movies that I used to obsess over. I'm sure my playboys were still under my bed in a '_memories'_ tin. My grandmother had gave it to me to keep my _"secret things_' in. I'm sure Grammy didn't think I'd keep dirty pornos in their.

I chuckled at the memory of her finding me behind the barn jacking off for my very first time. I was at her house in Montana for Summer break when she had me work as a farm hand.

"_If you have enough time to wank off that you obviously of too much on your hands."_

Gotta love Grammy. She had the sense of humor of a seventeen year old boy, but the knowledge of a woman twice her age. I sighed as thought about her funeral that I didn't attend due to unexpected complications. Fucking red headed bitch. God fuck a girl one time and she's convinced she's in love with you.

Except _her._ I had loved her, too. I just had to tear her down so she wouldn't try and follow. Her hollow gaze before I left still haunts me to this day. I shuddered at the dick I am.

"You know where everything is at. I love and I'm glad you've come home. Your father and I are so proud of you." She kissed my cheek and left.

I sat on my small twin bed, putting my head in my hands. I'm such an asshole.

_Yeah, you kind of are. You could of found a better way, but instead you tore her down from the ground up, but not before you made love to her. Oh I'm sorry. You fucked the only girl you loved and hit her where she was most vulnerable; her mother. That would classify you as a mother fucker because you brought her dead mother into shattering her-which you didn't have to do in the first place._

I must be crazy when my own mind rips into me. I mean I have full blown conversations with it or me. I really do hear voices.

_Or you conscience._

Or that. There I go again. Fuck it! I got up and headed to the connecting bathroom and started the shower. I wont think about her anymore today.

_Yeah right._

Yeah right was right.

**~oOo~**

"No Alice. I am hiring my own home decorator. I don't need your frilly pink shit." I growled into the phone.

"_Aw, please big brother I promise no pink. Besides you won't have time and I'll get your approval before any major decisions. Promise?" _I rolled my eyes I could practically see her huge blues watering with her infamous puppy eyes.

"Fine, but I get veto." I answered her but was cut off with a loud squeal. I pulled the phone away from my ear quickly.

"Jesus, Alice. Only dogs can hear that shit I swear. Are you trying to make my ears bleed." I grumped.

"Silly brother. I've go to go Jacques is not working out and I need to fin a new PA. I swear good help is so hard to find. Love you and good night brother dear." Alice giggle in my ear.

"Good morning and love you too." I smiled as she hung up. Alice has been in Paris since she was twenty. So she's been there about five years now. Damn, I feel old. I haven't seen her since she graduated seven years ago. Damn I missed her.

I remember back in high school when she was the '_fresh meat'_ and as Senior bad ass and her big brother I had to beat the shit out anyone and everyone who thought of touching her. Alice was gorgeous too. As gorgeous as any brother can think his sister is. I mean she had long black hair and big innocent blue eyes. Throw all of that on pixie-like body and you get one drop dead gorgeous girl.

It sucked and I hated it so much, but I couldn't let anyone fuck with her and break her heart because then instead of beating the shit out of the assholes, I'd probably murder someone.

"Dr. Cullen, you have a patient in examination room 4 with a fever of 103 and a very frantic mother." The nurse Tanya said as she waltzed into my office. Her strawberry blonde hair would be pretty if it wasn't for the ton of hairspray in it. No it just looked like someone tazered her and now she's stuck that way not to mention that she had way to much make up on. She resembled Bozo the clown with her oranges scrubs and matching orange tennis shoes. Then add the crazy that I see her blue eyes and it's just one major turn off.

"Tanya I will say this one more time before I report you. You will knock before entering my office. Not only is it rude but I could be with a patient discussing something confidential. Am I understood?" She just rolled her eyes and handed me the file. I checked my watch and noted that it was promptly two. I followed Tanya out before shutting the door behind me.

Tanya walked off to another room as I headed to the examine room. I knocked before walking in. I noticed three different people at once. First was my patient who was laying on his side dressed in cowboy pajamas and holding his stomach. His whole face pinched in pain and tiredness. His sister -I'm assuming- was by his side holding his hand, dressed in a fairy night shirt with gray sweats and a heavy purple sweater. Her bright green eyes were oddly familiar as she worried her bottom lip which to was vaguely familiar.

When my eyes fell on the frantic mother my jaw dropped. Her deep brown eyes were on her son not even gazing in my direction, but I could tell it was her. She was rounder, more filled out but it was her. She still had the the heart shaped face and button nosed. The full lips and beautiful long slender neck was the same also. I let my eyes travel down her body which was encased in a tight pair of black sweats and topped with a large white shirt.

She was here with two beautiful kids. Of course she was married, but where was her husband if his kid was sick in the hospital. I looked down at the boys file and read his name.

**Name: Ayden Anthony Swan**.

**Age: 5**

My breath stopped as I looked back to the boy on the table, who all of the sudden looked just like me when I was his age. It was right then that I realized that Bella left that night with more of me then I realized. I looked over to the girl and recognized the green eyes staring back at me. They were both mine.

This was why I couldn't find her to apologize. She ran to the safest place where she knew she could raise two babies alone. _Alone._ She's been alone this whole time. I realized then that I had been standing there for awhile and was still going unnoticed. I cleared my throat. Three things happened at once.

Bella cursed under her breath, promptly fainting.

Two little voices called out Daddy.

Ayden puked everywhere.

Shit.

* * *

**Please drop me a line and tell me how you liked the first chapter. ~ MK**


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